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16 January 2012 @ 12:53 am
A look back; [NOVEMBER/DECEMBER]. A look into: JANUARY  
Well, I haven't really posted a proper entry here since, forever. 
HAPPY 2012 everyone. :) Much love, blessings and strength. 

I will attempt to have a quick recap of everything since my previous post (before the L'arc newspaper clipping one). 
There were a couple of times in November that I had wrote in draft (un-posted) and eventually deleted. I did not want to write anything in the heat of the moment,
as I believe that I would be as angry, and as miserable as I let myself be. So i refused to, even though i desperately needed an outlet and I was ready to reach my hand out and grab anyone that was willing to listen, anyone who was willing to stop for me. 
In short, November wasn't very kind to me, in fact in was pretty harsh. 

Most of the stress came from work I guess. Though I think stress isn't the exact term I'd have for it. November at work was hectic, it was hell. (And no, i never wish to repeat that kind of lifestyle again) The launches came in one after another, client after client, project after project. And everything had to be done in the matter of days, or if circumstances were kind enough, within the month. Now, promotion is only a term. I've never thought of it as an easy thing, I knew I would be doing more than I did. I literally handled every client on my own, without the luxury to keep anyone else in my team in the loop through email or through words. Everyone else was busy, and I absolutely hate becoming anyone else's burden. I did try, a couple of times, to ask people for help, like anyone to give me a lift anywhere. But imagine when you ask "Sorry, are you busy" and what you get before you get to your main question is "I'm busy, what is it?" I would just shut it and decide to do it myself. Eventually, I did everything myself. I went out, bought props, came back to the office, did paperwork, went out to supervise an installation and came back to the office again. It happened once, and maybe twice, before I stopped asking for help. I refused to, being rejected for help would damper my mood even further. So it resulted in me just doing everything without saying anything to anyone. If asked, I would just say I'm okay and brush it off. 

But inside I was fuming, I was frustrated with myself for many issues and I was frustrated with the way I worked, and the way the whole team functioned as a whole. I was frustrated with people that were supposed to assist and be with you on this project who only throw the whole thing to you. I was angry but I still did it. Because I couldn't malfunction, I couldn't lose sight of the project just because I was left to be the only one doing it. I couldn't any project fall apart because of me. And yet, there are still people who only ask of you. Who will really do nothing to help you unless they themselves get burnt at the coattails. And they will ask you why, why you screwed up. When the precise lack of information coming from them is the reason why. And all you can do, is to bear the brunt of it, solve the issue at hand and move on.

And no, of course, i don't apologize to those people when I'm questioned. After all, why should I? I have to suppress the insistent urge to punch the lights out of them and just get on with things. There were too many things to be done.

Technically, I functioned like a maniac. Almost everyday was a 9am to 3am shift on an average. I could be out at an installation till 1:30am, dying to go home. But I would still drag my ass back to the office to finish up what needs to be finished up. Meals would be missed, compromised or disrupted by a phone call that pissed me off so badly I couldn't eat. Eating was a waste of time. All i needed to do and wanted to do was work. I knew I had to do it because no one else will do it. I was angry the moment I woke up, and this sense of anger would only stop when I was asleep. 

November made me see a lot of things clearly, and understand a lot of people more. I saw the good sides of course, people who would help me and the bad side, most of all; people who are all talk and no show. 

I left November behind on the 30th, hours before flying to Japan... still in the office, trying desperately to finish up my paperwork, because I had no time to tie up any of the lose ends. I left it behind when I went home, packed and headed straight to the airport, with almost no sleep. I took the plane-ride to catch up on my sleep. Knowing for the first time in days my phone would definitely be quiet on the plane. The moment I set foot in Narita Airport, I felt a sense of peace, one I hadn't felt in a whole 30 days. 

I had lost sight of what I was fighting for... the whole month I asked myself, why am I working like this? Then I brought this bitterness everywhere. I practically shut myself in. I quit the chatgroup with my best friends because I just didn't want to talk, I didn't want to share, I didn't want to see. I called Ning one day and I told her, I didn't want to go to Japan anymore. I was working so hard and I spent half of what I was bringing to Japan funding my trips to collect things, buy things, deliver things and to go on site for work. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to do an early claim. 

When L'Arc played BLESS, I cried. From the bottom of my heart, I was thankful for this band. I was thankful that November had passed, I was thankful to be in Japan. I didn't want to concert to end, i just wanted to bawl my heart out at this sense of blissfulness forever. "You have come a long way, everything is for today." No, of course I'm not doing something like the Olympics or anything honorable like that. But the one thing that is worth fighting for is a dream. It doesn't matter what kind of dream, or how silly and insignificant it is to others. I haven't really found out what my ultimate dream is, but it isn't to live everyday in anger and frustration like November. Perhaps I want to live in Japan one day, work in a small pastry shop in the day and maybe sing in a small bar at night. That'd be good. Why I'm working, is to fund my dream. 

I don't care for recognition at work. I don't need to have people fawning over me and falling at my feet. I'll take November as a lesson that I won't ever want to relive again. I will learn how to do everything so that I won't need to feel the frustration of having someone reject you for help. And when I get to be in a position that I can offer help to people, I will never treat them like how others treated me. But I will, laugh in the faces of those who have had second thoughts about me. A person of a management level once told me "Nobody is indispensable". I will be the first then, i will make sure that when I do something, no one else can do it better than I can. 

In December, I learnt afresh how music can touch hearts. I learnt that I will never love another band more. I learnt that they can make me cry and laugh, and feel all blissful and content inside. I learnt the power of friendship; and had the best birthday surprise in years, when my girlfriends showed up screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY at my office corridor. I said, I didn't want a celebration, but they knew I would be angry and lonely (haha). My first words to them was "get the fuck away from me." but i they knew what I wanted to say was "I love you guys to bits". I learnt how to see new perspectives in life. I learnt how to focus on grander things. I want to truly live for me. 

At the start of January, I got a new tattoo done. "Live and let live"

A post birthday present to myself; and a reminder.
I'm trying to cope with work well, but also with a pinch of salt. Knowing that work is not everything. And being angry or stressed, helps nothing. 

Seems like 2012 is going to be a great year. 
I'll be going to Bangkok for the World Tour and news is that, after ten years of wishful thinking, L'arc is coming to my shores. (thank you God)

I have much of my legacy that I have yet to write; and yes, I want to live like a spark. 

Current Mood: calmcalm
i: 7nez on January 16th, 2012 04:06 pm (UTC)
your company works you so hard it's awful. but therein lies the reason why your colleagues can be so selfish - it's a survival tactic so they can cope with the workload. what a vicious cycle :( [do move to greener pastures .inc when the time comes okay]

even though my work isn't as hectic as yours, i did find japan very, very quiet. maybe not literally, but my heart and mind were peaceful and quiet, even in osaka. maybe it's just so hard to find space and quiet in singapore.

(when i imagine l'arc in singapore i think of people forcing them to eat durians and tetsuya running away and hyde making grossed out faces -_- but i also think mbs will appeal to their inner evangelion fanboys.)

ahh actually i'm really worried about taking leave to go hk during such a busy period, but i cant help but feel psyched anyway :D hang in there rin! much of what you said really resonates with me - cheesy as it is, that's what l'arc stands for, to me: having the courage to believe in and pursue your dreams :) 我们一起敢敢过着彩虹人生吧!
Iriacafaded_poetry on January 24th, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, yes, a lot of times when I describe Japan as peaceful and people go HUHHHH~~~ it's not exactly literal, but its a beautiful surreal, tangible sense of peace that hangs around me when I'm in Japan. The idea of waking up and taking a long walk to the station excites me, and then there's walking back from a long day, in the breeze, with very little human traffic once you get out of the station.

LOL@ the durians. I hate durians, i can't imagine. I eat them occasionally when I feel like it and in the comfort of my home but i'm not a fan. I wouldn't buy them. lol

BE PSYCHED ABOUT HK! hell i'm psyched about bangkok! can't wait to hear the sawadee! from the boys! <3
Yes, let's chase our rainbow colored dreams together. Both with the band and in life. I'm excited to see where it brings us. :)
ni hao, bitcheskillingsound on January 17th, 2012 03:53 am (UTC)
Rin dear, this post had me so worried at the start, but I should have known with you, you would beautifully, magically see the hope and promise in things. Inez is so right; your current employment is running you ragged. The job certainly is fascinating, and can send you in great directions and provide you with fantastic experience, but if it's so soul-draining, then I don't want to see you wasting away there. I hope there's another place right around the corner, waiting for you, that will help you on the road to making your dreams come true.

I have no doubt that whatever it is you want, you will find it. If anyone has drive, you do. And fortunately, you have the wonderful friends to support you. And you have the smarts to work it out, too. If you want to live in Japan, or always have music in your life, then it'll happen, in time.

You are an inspiring person, even when - or especially when - things are hard and don't go your way. Jia you, you can do it.
Gracecheesin_crazy on January 19th, 2012 09:40 am (UTC)
I love that you have such strong will and perseverance to tackle all the problems heading your way. But if the working environment is such a cutthroat, dog eat dog world then I hope you will manage to find better job at other companies cause u deserved better and I doubt the office politics and conditions will change.

It's good that you have a motto to remind yourself to live for your own self. If I ever get a tattoo, it'll be "memento mori" - to remind myself that death is just around the next corner. Haha.. it just sound so morbid especially compared to yours. But that's just the way I am.

I might be able to make it to the Singapore concert, depending to my schedule cause I have a battle to fight in my studies. But I'm definitely going to HK concert, still can't believe it's happening!!

Take care, dear. Hopefully we will all be able to attend Singapore's concert. =)
明季子 思愛流: laruku rainbowa_deux_vitesses on January 22nd, 2012 09:17 pm (UTC)
Oh Rin, you had mentioned to me in your PM that November had been horrible, but I never imagined just how bad it had been for you, I'm so sorry *hugs* You're truly amazing; the workload was insane and your co-workers did nothing at all to help finish the projects, and even so, you managed through. I do hope you can maybe find work at another company soon though, I want you to be much happier than you are there now.

Again, I'm really glad you found some inner peace in Japan, and I hope you still have most of it now, being back home.

But the one thing that is worth fighting for is a dream. It doesn't matter what kind of dream, or how silly and insignificant it is to others.
This, so much. I know that whatever your dream turns out to be, that you'll be able to see it come true.

Your new tattoo is beautiful and so is its meaning~ It's great that 2012 seems to be a great year; take care dear ♥