?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Iriaca
20 March 2012 @ 01:12 am
*clears throat*
I am pleased to have (after much delay) finished writing Part 32 of Winterfall~A Prelude to Spring. 
At the part its at, its even longer than L'Arc Twentieth. :x
Not really sure who's reading still and who's not. Or who's curious?
Though I really appreciate if anyone's been waiting or has chanced upon reading it in the past or perhaps in the near future. All my love ~ <333

Head on over here for a quick peep! 
XXXII


 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
Iriaca
07 February 2012 @ 12:55 am
Sometimes I want to scream. 
I want to yell at the top of my lungs, I want to put everything in writing, angry, unheard words; full of feelings that voice out but fall on deaf ears, time and time again.
Every time i want to put it in writing, I want to pen down in hopes that if I ever walk away from this home or fade away in this life, these words, these feelings, everything I am and precious to me will be heard. I hope people will reflect and realize, what went wrong and why. 
But every time I don't, because I don't want people to read them. I don't want them to know, what's already been said too many times, but never listened to. 

I tire of repetition. I tire of constantly having to be irritated because i'm tired and more so. Why don't the words "i'm tired" work? What, do I have to put up a signage on my door that says "I'm fucking tired, leave me the fuck in peace"

It's not that I don't want to help mum set up her new iphone. i'm tired from work, i'm tired with customers breathing down my neck to get something and i don't want to come home to someone wanting something from me like that. Why can't we do this on weekends? And why does guiding her along setting up her iphone becomes me showing her what to do every step of the way? In this case, she learns nothing. Vicious cycle will always come back to bite you in the ass, I know too well. 
I've told her "i'm tired, please leave my room." three fucking times. only to have her just stay put and continue asking me "how?" and I'm like, "Do you not hear me? I'm tired, let's do this another day." 
No. 
On deaf ears always. 
With this and with other matters. 
Funny how something so trivial can mean something so deep. 

And you know how its going to sound like to others if they hear this? Why can't you just teach your mum, why are you so impatient, why why why why why why.

FUCK THE WHOLE LOT OF WHYS. 

I'm tired, I've said it. We can do it another day. 
Its not supposed to be like mum says and decides lets do it. Shouldn't she ask me if i'm tired? Does she even know I'm tired? Does she even understand i'm tired? 
I'm tired and my father being drunk is like a constant fucking drone in my ears. and I have to do this shit without being asked if i'm tired. I'm just simply demanded to do it. before I can even say no, her phone is in my face. 
And when i get mad, i'm the ugly-faced one here. I'm the ungrateful child. 
Funny, cause she always knew i get irritated easily when i'm tired. 
but she choses to do it. 
time and time again. 

Like me asking her to do me a favor and get something and her agreeing and then not doing it, knowing i will get mad. 
and when I do get mad, she asks "what do you want me to do now?!" in a adamant tone. 
I don't know, what CAN you do now? conjure something up with magic?
No apologies, no sorries, no nothing. 
My deal is, its always good to apologize. Fuck that asian mentality, we don't live in the stone ages.
When you've done something wrong apologize. 
When you need help, ask if the person is available not assume they are. 
What difference does that make from the fucktards at work who throw people shit?
If this is a family, communicate. 

I can't keep being the one thats saying things truthfully. 
I can't keep saying "you should apologize when you should", "you should ask if i'm available", "you should ask if i'm tired",
"you should say it when you can't do it" because i'll do it the way I say it. 
I can't be the only one doing this, when no one gives a shit what I say. 

There's no answer to "I'm tired."
The topic just goes to something like "oh, whats the SMS code they gave me?"
It's like i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. 
Do I really, have to swear?
And will I one day? 

I don't want to do the things I will regret, but I'm so near boiling point.
The line is thinning; at a scary speed. 
I no longer have the tenacity to put up with dad, i will soon loose the tenacity to communicate with mum if she continues to take my words on deaf ears. 
Stop looking from your own rabbit hole, stop telling others about how dad's nagging at you cause i'm not home. 
Tell them why i'm not home, tell them the reason why i'm not home is not because of some rebound teenage rebellion;
tell them its because dad talks shit, and i hate it when he's drunk.
tell them i'm not home because i'm happier outside, that i can no longer stay home and keep sane. 
tell them i'm not home because its better to be tired and outside than tired and home, tell them where i find my peace. 
in the company of my friends, music and laughter. 
tell them the truth. 
don't tell them your story, draw them the full picture. 


It's my issue, always. 


I'm tired of this shit. 
Its my earnest prayer again to earn fucking loads of money, so I can move out by 30. 
I don't want to end up dying young, or being angry for the rest of my life. 
I cannot think for the sake of the big picture anymore. 

I just want to come home to some peace. in my mind and in my heart. 
this is not peace. 

I'll remain the rebellious child, i'll be the selfish one. 
I tire of even explaining. 
 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
 
 
Iriaca
26 January 2012 @ 02:14 pm

Now, beautifully official.
My 10 years of wishful thinking has come true.
I have tears & I'm in love all over again.

We're gonna bring the indoor stadium down!!!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:
 
 
Iriaca
23 January 2012 @ 01:39 pm

My breakdown of Chinese New Year.
Get up be in a happy mood,
Get dressed still in a happy mood,
Makeup on, trying to be fast so that the happy mood carries on
Wish dad n mum happy new year
Dad gets pissed off and snappy as usual
Isn't satisfied with whatever he's being unhappy about alone needs to try to piss everyone off all the same
Gets pissed off ultimately,
Happy mood gone.
Mum tries to ask me to be nice, and I wish I could, but try to be calm at the same shit every year and am unable to.
Patience wearing thinner with each year

Fuck this shit seriously.
Dad is so capable of creating his own drama it's a waste he doesn't write for hong long tvb. It'll sell out on accounts of redundant just existing family drama.

I don't understand why some people just need to make every one around them as miserable as themselves.

I dread CNY.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:
 
 
Iriaca
Well, I haven't really posted a proper entry here since, forever. 
HAPPY 2012 everyone. :) Much love, blessings and strength. 

I will attempt to have a quick recap of everything since my previous post (before the L'arc newspaper clipping one). 
There were a couple of times in November that I had wrote in draft (un-posted) and eventually deleted. I did not want to write anything in the heat of the moment,
as I believe that I would be as angry, and as miserable as I let myself be. So i refused to, even though i desperately needed an outlet and I was ready to reach my hand out and grab anyone that was willing to listen, anyone who was willing to stop for me. 
In short, November wasn't very kind to me, in fact in was pretty harsh. 

Most of the stress came from work I guess. Though I think stress isn't the exact term I'd have for it. November at work was hectic, it was hell. (And no, i never wish to repeat that kind of lifestyle again) The launches came in one after another, client after client, project after project. And everything had to be done in the matter of days, or if circumstances were kind enough, within the month. Now, promotion is only a term. I've never thought of it as an easy thing, I knew I would be doing more than I did. I literally handled every client on my own, without the luxury to keep anyone else in my team in the loop through email or through words. Everyone else was busy, and I absolutely hate becoming anyone else's burden. I did try, a couple of times, to ask people for help, like anyone to give me a lift anywhere. But imagine when you ask "Sorry, are you busy" and what you get before you get to your main question is "I'm busy, what is it?" I would just shut it and decide to do it myself. Eventually, I did everything myself. I went out, bought props, came back to the office, did paperwork, went out to supervise an installation and came back to the office again. It happened once, and maybe twice, before I stopped asking for help. I refused to, being rejected for help would damper my mood even further. So it resulted in me just doing everything without saying anything to anyone. If asked, I would just say I'm okay and brush it off. 

But inside I was fuming, I was frustrated with myself for many issues and I was frustrated with the way I worked, and the way the whole team functioned as a whole. I was frustrated with people that were supposed to assist and be with you on this project who only throw the whole thing to you. I was angry but I still did it. Because I couldn't malfunction, I couldn't lose sight of the project just because I was left to be the only one doing it. I couldn't any project fall apart because of me. And yet, there are still people who only ask of you. Who will really do nothing to help you unless they themselves get burnt at the coattails. And they will ask you why, why you screwed up. When the precise lack of information coming from them is the reason why. And all you can do, is to bear the brunt of it, solve the issue at hand and move on.

And no, of course, i don't apologize to those people when I'm questioned. After all, why should I? I have to suppress the insistent urge to punch the lights out of them and just get on with things. There were too many things to be done.

Technically, I functioned like a maniac. Almost everyday was a 9am to 3am shift on an average. I could be out at an installation till 1:30am, dying to go home. But I would still drag my ass back to the office to finish up what needs to be finished up. Meals would be missed, compromised or disrupted by a phone call that pissed me off so badly I couldn't eat. Eating was a waste of time. All i needed to do and wanted to do was work. I knew I had to do it because no one else will do it. I was angry the moment I woke up, and this sense of anger would only stop when I was asleep. 

November made me see a lot of things clearly, and understand a lot of people more. I saw the good sides of course, people who would help me and the bad side, most of all; people who are all talk and no show. 

I left November behind on the 30th, hours before flying to Japan... still in the office, trying desperately to finish up my paperwork, because I had no time to tie up any of the lose ends. I left it behind when I went home, packed and headed straight to the airport, with almost no sleep. I took the plane-ride to catch up on my sleep. Knowing for the first time in days my phone would definitely be quiet on the plane. The moment I set foot in Narita Airport, I felt a sense of peace, one I hadn't felt in a whole 30 days. 

I had lost sight of what I was fighting for... the whole month I asked myself, why am I working like this? Then I brought this bitterness everywhere. I practically shut myself in. I quit the chatgroup with my best friends because I just didn't want to talk, I didn't want to share, I didn't want to see. I called Ning one day and I told her, I didn't want to go to Japan anymore. I was working so hard and I spent half of what I was bringing to Japan funding my trips to collect things, buy things, deliver things and to go on site for work. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to do an early claim. 

When L'Arc played BLESS, I cried. From the bottom of my heart, I was thankful for this band. I was thankful that November had passed, I was thankful to be in Japan. I didn't want to concert to end, i just wanted to bawl my heart out at this sense of blissfulness forever. "You have come a long way, everything is for today." No, of course I'm not doing something like the Olympics or anything honorable like that. But the one thing that is worth fighting for is a dream. It doesn't matter what kind of dream, or how silly and insignificant it is to others. I haven't really found out what my ultimate dream is, but it isn't to live everyday in anger and frustration like November. Perhaps I want to live in Japan one day, work in a small pastry shop in the day and maybe sing in a small bar at night. That'd be good. Why I'm working, is to fund my dream. 

I don't care for recognition at work. I don't need to have people fawning over me and falling at my feet. I'll take November as a lesson that I won't ever want to relive again. I will learn how to do everything so that I won't need to feel the frustration of having someone reject you for help. And when I get to be in a position that I can offer help to people, I will never treat them like how others treated me. But I will, laugh in the faces of those who have had second thoughts about me. A person of a management level once told me "Nobody is indispensable". I will be the first then, i will make sure that when I do something, no one else can do it better than I can. 

In December, I learnt afresh how music can touch hearts. I learnt that I will never love another band more. I learnt that they can make me cry and laugh, and feel all blissful and content inside. I learnt the power of friendship; and had the best birthday surprise in years, when my girlfriends showed up screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY at my office corridor. I said, I didn't want a celebration, but they knew I would be angry and lonely (haha). My first words to them was "get the fuck away from me." but i they knew what I wanted to say was "I love you guys to bits". I learnt how to see new perspectives in life. I learnt how to focus on grander things. I want to truly live for me. 

At the start of January, I got a new tattoo done. "Live and let live"

A post birthday present to myself; and a reminder.
I'm trying to cope with work well, but also with a pinch of salt. Knowing that work is not everything. And being angry or stressed, helps nothing. 

Seems like 2012 is going to be a great year. 
I'll be going to Bangkok for the World Tour and news is that, after ten years of wishful thinking, L'arc is coming to my shores. (thank you God)

I have much of my legacy that I have yet to write; and yes, I want to live like a spark. 



 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
Iriaca
12 January 2012 @ 07:52 am

For those of you who haven't heard it yet. Great, great news for Singaporean fans and the nearer SEA fans.

Guess who's Lushington Entertainment bringing to our humble shores this year?

Finally, our boys are coming to town.
I don't know how this is making anyone feel but I'm pretty damn excited I can barely concentrate.

Was it like that when you first knew Larc was coming to your country? I'm near tears & overwhelmed :D

More news coming up on www.sistic.com

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:
 
 
Iriaca
01 January 2012 @ 06:44 am

At the start of 2012, I had a really long conversation with you. Though only on FB, but it's cool, because when was the last time we did this?

I have to admit that I'm a little glad that she might just be stringing you along, and that little part of me kinda wishes you'd never be together.

I always end up being a helluva good girl friend, the buddy, the listening ear.
But I'm glad you told me, I'm glad you shared.

You always know when to call, when to text. When I'm mad, frustrated, stressed up, so just reading through our texts for the sake of it. It drives me nuts.

And you know just how to distract me. You talk to me about music, about our favorite bands. You talk about Japan, traveling, tattoos, drinking and Hyde. You know what makes me happy. Sometimes I wish we didn't have so much in common.

But I'm glad we do.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:
 
 
Iriaca
05 December 2011 @ 01:19 am
it sounds too shallow to be said in English... so in chinese instead.

送给我心目中的彩虹。
二十年不容易。谢谢你们的音乐带给我的一切。
陪伴我的快乐与悲伤,人生的高潮与低落。
能够认识到接触到 L'arc~en~ciel 是我的幸福,我的福气。
在你们身上,我看到了凶凶燃烧的热忱,对音乐的爱和敬佩。
你们今晚说的每一句"谢谢"都是和我心声同一样的回应。
你们让我感动,震撼,感激,骄傲,爱。

I made a silent wish tonight, a resolution if you will. 
That as long as L'arc would play, I would go to as many lives as I can
be in touch as much as I can.

From the bottom of my heart,
"thank you".
 
 
Iriaca
11 September 2011 @ 12:49 am
HII!!!

Has anyone been missing me around here? XD

I bear good news regarding work. I will be officially promoted in October this year. It's a huge deal to me, as I would supposed most of you know this is my first job after graduating from school. And being promoted after just one year is a great thing. And I will be the first customer service executive in my company, that is promoted to an Accounts Exec just after a year. 

There won't be much of a shift of activities since I've been doubling up my roles for a long time now. Thing is, as an Account Executive, i won't be too stuck in the office forever. Hopefully, new help comes in fast and we can all work towards delegating out our work nicely. But I do believe I will be doubly busy, it was just 3 weeks ago when I was in the office until 2am on an average basis for a whole week. With great power comes great responsibility, I hope I will be able to do well in my new role. I am the last person to ever be okay with people saying I don't deserve this, or that I might be too new or too incapable; because I work my ass off, and I am willing to work my ass off. One of my biggest satisfaction is life is to prove people wrong about me, and I do it with flourish. 

So, feel happy for me? 
I told my parents about this today and well, I got a lot of "hmmms", "ohhs", "uhmmms". Basically a very half-hearted response to it.  Not exactly what I was gunning for. -.-"

Say something like "you've done well!" :D It would be nice to hear it from someone else other than myself. lol!
because God knows the amount of stress I've had to juggle emotionally everyday. Its not an easy task, then again, no job is. But its trying, challenging. I feel like I've pushed boundaries and stretched myself over and over; this has opened up new doors for me, and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But it has also, killed off a lot of my brain cells and possibly contributed to some wrinkles and on some days, an obnoxious amount of cigarettes. (well, its like therapy to me. it helps me calm down and rethink).

2nd good news is....
I AM GOING TO BOTH DAYS OF THE TOUR FINAL IN OSAKA!
XXXD
I can't wait for December now! 

*P/s: I'm somewhere at Dune for my tour report. I might have less time nowadays, but believe me, its going somewhere. 
Even the fanfiction; just in case anyone thinks I'm not writing anymore. I just have less time to do so. =x
Tags: , ,
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
Iriaca
28 July 2011 @ 01:59 am
Well hello! I'm alive!
Been mad at work since i returned from Japan, and still very very much busy.
Gotta work hard to make another trip in December!

Yes, I'm still less than halfway through my concert report which is so
Ol'Skool by now, but trust me, it's still gonna be awesome. I keep sidetracking to Hyde-hotness somewhere in between the song list, lol!

Anyhow quick Q&A that I've posted as a comment on the ticketing thread in the l'arc comm.
I did the submission for the tickets, but I have a quick question and was just wondering if anyone else has placed bookings for tickets and could share with me their knowledge.

Ticket confirmation is from 25-28th July. Does this mean the emails of confirmation will reach us by those dates? Or after the 28th July?
If confirmation (upon successful lottery) is to be received between 25-28th July, then has anyone gotten their confirmation yet?

Just out of curiosity, and nearly sheer panic. Lol, no kidding. :P

I'll be glad if someone could help me out and shed some light?

Okay, now that Q&A is done, I'll be properly updating all of you about life as it is presently, soon. Love you all!